“Whenever a warrior decides to do something, he must go all the way…” (Carlos Castaneda). Really?! But…what if you’re tired?
Six years ago I walked away from a doctorate with a Master’s degree instead. By the end of my first year I had already submitted a publication I co-authored and landed a prestigious three year fellowship, I excelled at science research and loved what I did. So why did I leave? In five short years, I had collected and analyzed all my data, and yet none of it mattered.
The fall of my fifth year I had two months that would change my life. I have a serious congenital heart defect for which I’ve had multiple surgeries for and now require an implantable cardioverter defibrillator (ICD). At the time, I had pre-heart attack symptoms for which my cardiologist was running test after test to determine the severity. I had a misdiagnosis of ovarian cancer, which with more tests turned out to just be a cyst that luckily went away on its own. One of my committee members dumped me, saying I “missed too much class” because I was always in the hospital. And to add insult to injury, a colleague at a conference mistook me for hotel staff and had asked me to refill his coffee. I mean, I can see his confusion; I was young, brown, and a woman. What else was he supposed to think? I had had enough! I wanted out and pretty much just walked away.
Why does this matter now? I am currently transitioning my career from a high school science teacher to a science educator/mentor at a museum, aquarium, zoo, or university. My dream jobs are either working for programs like Upward Bound or STEM programs for youths. And even though I have two Master’s degrees (geology and education), a PhD would be the cherry on the cake.
A friend who is in academia, advised me contact my graduate school and ask them if I can finish my doctorate. Even though deadlines have passed, she said, some universities will make exceptions if there are serious reasons like my medical issues. But I’m not sure if I even want it. I’m still so hurt, resentful, and wounded from the past.
And then there’s my future to complicate matters more. I want to get married and have children. I already spent five years in a doctorate program, I am fully aware of the time commitment it takes. Am I willing to spend more of my life pursuing degrees? Do I need this PhD? And then there’s the worry. How many men will love me if I have a PhD? It’s easier to find love as a woman, if you don’t stand out too much. If you don’t appear too capable, too smart, too accomplished. I discovered that firsthand as a PhD student trying to date. The quickest way to lose a guy is tell them you’re doing a doctorate, you’ll never see them again. The reason why butterflies camouflage isn’t to hide their beauty, it’s so they don’t get eaten. And I’m tired of being chewed up and spit out.
What’s funny about the whole thing is the university might not even say yes and let me finish the degree anyway. So it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right? Then…why am I in so much pain?
~Sonja Braun
PS: If you want to explore a world where woman and career doesn’t feel so mutually exclusive, check out Zinemin’s blog post The impact of motherhood on the lives of women: An analogy.
gatheringmossblog 
I have known many women in education who are facing the same dillema (without the medical part, though…that stinks!). I agree there is a catch-22 for us with those advanced degrees. For myself, I’ve elected to pursue a path beyond the classroom that doesn’t require a degree after my master’s. I’m just don’t have it in me anymore to jump through the university hoops. I wish you peace in your decision (whatever it may be) and luck in securing your (totally awesome sounding) dream job:)
Don’t base you decision to finish your PhD on the *possibility* that a man won’t be interested in you or not. Any man who doesn’t value a woman achieving her full potential, and isn’t willing to support you 100% of the way is not worth having a relationship with. Let alone a marriage and children.
I’m sorry to read about your experience with your PhD. It really sucks not to be supported in such a situation.
Btw, I completely agree with Cindy. Would you want to spend your life with a man that would not want to be with a woman with a PhD? This would have to be a total loser with a really fragile ego What do you talk with such a man over dinner? Whenever you say something too clever, you might upset him. Sounds like a nightmare to me. Also, I had the total opposite experience. I only started to meet interesting men that were also interested in me once I started to study physics. Maybe that is because I am into nice and shy men. 🙂 I notice that sometimes women who do not go after their dreams fall in love with supposedly ‘interesting’ man who does not treat them well. It’s better to have an interesting life ourselves and go for a nice men who likes interesting women, in my opinion.
Good luck with the decision. I think you should go with what makes you happy!
Although I love you for your honesty and vulnerability, did you not just complete an amazing experience where we realized that anything is possible? Including finding a love who will appreciate an honor you because of your accomplishments and not in spite of them!
That said, I can relate to your dilemma about whether or not to pursue your PhD. I turned down acceptance to two PhD programs earlier this year. I was chasing the degree because I felt it was the next natural step in my career trajectory. As I waited for the acceptance letters, I realized that it wasn’t the right time for me to do it…in my heart I wanted to grow my business, refine some of my career goals, spend more time with friends and family and travel. Turning down those acceptances was the 2nd best decision I made for myself this year (the first being to register for Momentum!). I knew that to be true when I felt a tremendous sense of relief after notifying the admissions committees.
Connect to your heart and listen to it…it will never lead you astray. I’m excited to see how this unfolds for you! Be good to yourself love!
Thanks everyone for the replies and insights. I feel less bleak about the whole situation. But still genuinely uncertain about what I want to do.
Stilllearning, I know I’m not the only one who has thought these thoughts! Its particularly frustrating because you know men don’t ever hesitate to wonder if a woman would want him less. And I know I am definitely tired of jumping through university hoops!
Cindy and Zinemin you are correct. I have a history of dating weak men. I have to be strong within myself to find that man who will accept and love me as I am.
And Dawn, what can I say? The fear bubbles up now and then, I can’t pretend its not there. But I can at least still embrace my vision while being afraid.
Now all I gotta do is figure out what that vision is. I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks again for the feedback and support!
Go for the PhD!! If I remember correctly you said you didn’t want to keep playing small just to snag a man. If its meaningful to you and your future, go for it, because that’s about you, not him, whomever he may turn out to be. If you are still thinking about it after all these years under these terms of considering going back to it, just do it, if only to end the debate. A PhD does not need to hurt your love life and can only enhance your career and professional future. That said here’s how to handle your personal relationship development… It’s the same for friends, lovers, and potential husbands. When you meet a new personal contact, there’s no reason to give a professional resume. The only reason you would highlight your impressive education is to establish how impressive you are, which puts you in direct competition with the person you are developing a relationship with. The truth is someone looking for love or friendship doesn’t REALLY care how qualified you are to do your job, they care about what qualifies you to be a part of their life. So when you are on that “interview” with your potential mate focus on your personal qualities, not your professional qualifications. Do they enjoy a life of adventure? Talk about your travels and how you felt when you experienced dare-devil feats. No need to go tit for tat on accomplishments, your feelings about your experiences are far more telling than a description of the experience itself. When talking about your college to PhD journey, focus on the personal struggle and the challenges you faced to overcome them, be vulnerable and relatable. And lastly, even though you may be acting as the warrior in your own life currently out of necessity, leave room for your potential mate to see how they can fit in as your warrior champion. Sonja, every Warrior wants to bed his sexy queen 😉