No, I am not a parent.
I have just dealt with the consequences of parenting for the past six years of my life as a 9th grade earth science teacher. If you have younger children, sorry I don’t know anything about lil kids other than they cry a lot and pee on themselves. These parenting tips are geared towards either parents of adolescents or parents who have children they believe will live long enough to reach adolescence.
Tip #5: Downtime is a must. I do believe idle hands are the devil’s playground. But an overworked brain gets sloppy, and looks for easy solutions. If you want your child to be an independent thinker, you have to give them time to do just that…think! Let them daydream, let their minds wander, let them withdraw a little. Adolescence is the stage where they start to form their own opinions. Don’t you want your teen to have opinions that are well thought out?
Tip #4: Your teen still needs you! I personally think that adolescence is the stage of life where children need their parents the most, but want them the least. Parents of teens often take advantage of their child’s new found independence to do something that they’ve always wanted to do for themselves but didn’t have time because they were busy raising children. Parents of teens are more likely to start a new business, get a college degree, start a new career, start dating, have that new baby etc. And sometimes seeing their parents pursue their dreams and continually raising the bar on their lives will inspire teens to become more motivated and ambitious.
But, this tip is intended for parents of those other children. Some teens need their parents more than others, and yes that means your dreams (yet again) have to be put on hold. As a teacher, about 30% of my most difficult behavior issues were from children of parents who were starting a new chapter in their life. And it may be frustrating after parenting for 16 years that you still can’t reclaim some of your life. But, guess what, that 16 year old is still a CHILD! And they are just not ready yet. Luckily for you, this stage will only last two or three more years. Be patient, give them what they need. Or they can permanently harm themselves. Some of the consequences are drugs, alcohol, teen pregnancy, gang violence, and even suicide. Most teens feel invisible and misunderstood, you add an overbusy parent to the mix and the outcomes can be devastating. How do you know if your child is one of the 30%? As you start to pursue your dreams, do their friends change, their grades drop, they stop doing things they used to enjoy, they’re constantly getting in trouble? If you’re not even certain if these changes have happened, just know your child is probably already part of the 30%.
Tip #3: Put your money where your mouth is. Children don’t listen to what you say, they watch what you do. Adults focus too much on the “power of words” and too little of the impact of their actions. Money is one of the most important aspects of a teenager’s life. They see it as power, fame, and independence. So they watch what you do with your money, more than you do. Most parents would say they want their children to focus on education, and that education, education, education is important. When I hear a parent say that, I always turn and ask: How much of your annual budget is spent on educating your child? They’re often stopped dead in their tracks.
As a teacher I am telling you, do not rely on the school to be the sole educator of your child. It’s YOUR child! And you can be certain, even the best teacher will never take as good care of your child as you will. How many vacations did you take where the focus was enjoying the beach or riding rollercoasters versus where the focus was visiting museums and national parks? How much money do you spend on clothing versus buying books, telescopes, and educational software? Actually do the math, don’t guesstimate. And no, Christmas doesn’t count–education occurs every day. Track your spending for a month and make sub categories (for example, snacks and alcohol are non-essential groceries and should not be bundled with meat, vegetables, fruit, etc just because you bought them at a grocery store) and see where your money is going and whether or not your spending is in line with your values. Because you can be certain your teen intrinsically knows what your real values are, and they are already acting accordingly.
Tip #2: Teach them to respect money. As a teacher, I have learned that all people learn best by doing. This means that talking won’t cut it, you have to engage your child in managing money. The best way to do that is to have them assist you in creating the family budget. This is not for the faint of heart. You have to show your teen your paycheck, and have them assist you in paying the monthly bills, grocery shopping, etc. Most parents don’t do this for fear their children will blab to the entire neighborhood. The fact is, your children will tell everyone! But what’s more important, your personal pride or pride in knowing you’re raising a competent savvy child? I am often shocked at how ignorant teens are to the basics of banking, credit, and saving. I have seen teens be impressed by a job that paid $30,000, not because their parents were poor, but because they were so disconnected to what lifestyle a certain income can give them. How can they plan their lives if they don’t know what those numbers really mean?
Tip #1: Step back, breathe, and let them struggle. Sometimes the biggest gift anyone can give to another person is silence and space. This is particularly true for teens because they have to learn to stand on their own two feet. For example, if your child loves to sing and you find yourself saying any of the following more than once a season, just know you are verging on over-parenting:
“Why don’t you join the choir?”
“I just heard of a local talent show, maybe we can look into it.”
“Mr. X is giving vocal lessons, on Saturday let’s go down and meet with him.”
Many well-meaning parents will try to provide endless opportunities to see their children shine. But that can lead to children who are crippled and over-reliant on other people. Allow your child’s passion to bubble up to the point where they are desperate and will reach out for help. Often times people follow the path of least resistance, and if you make the path too easy your teen can stray down a path they never truly loved, only liked a lot. When people have to fight for their dreams, they learn very quickly what their priorities are and start to build inner strength and determination. There is also a sense of confidence that comes over a person when they have identified a problem and solved it themselves, even if the solution was asking for help. Don’t rob your teen of these feelings.
Some of you may feel tips #4 and #1 disagree with each other. No they don’t. Your teen wants to know that you will be available whenever they need you, and are not too preoccupied with your own life to really and truly see them. In other words, your teen wants you there so they can ignore you. Deal with it. Luckily, this too shall pass.
If you vehemently disagree with any of these tips, then you’re in luck. What’s great about advice is you get to pick and choose what you feel is useful and ignore the rest.
~Sonja Braun
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